The Chaos in our High Streets

English high streets have become places of nomenclatural chaos. Visitors to this pleasant but damp island will have noticed that although the high streets of our cities and towns bear the marks of a varied history, they all contain much the same shops. The only exceptions are the small market towns not yet captured by the armies of Marks & Spencers, WH Smith, River Island, Greggs etc, as well as the specialist areas of large cities such as the Jewellery Quarter in Birmingham. Small local shops are usually explicit in what they sell (with the exception of hairdressers who usually use punning names like ‘Headmasters’, ‘Hair Today’, ‘Headstrong’ and so on). The real problem lies with the multiples. Here are some examples of misleading names:

▸ Currys. Despite my persistent demands at our local branch for a chicken tikka marsala, they insist that they only supply electrical goods.

▸ Boots. A series of mysterious stores which sell make-up, medicines, domestic goods and lots of other things, but no footwear.

▸ Thomas Cooks. The name suggests that these are either restaurants (staffed by people called Thomas), or shops selling kitchenware. All they seem to sell are holidays and foreign currency.

▸ Office. A recent arrival in my local high street in Worcester. Demands for stationery were not welcome, and all they stocked were women’s shoes.

▸ Bank. The most confusing of all. No savings facilities, loans or credit cards, just piles of clothes on sale.

This trend to name shops after things they do not sell must come to an end. Our government must act in the name of health and safety, security, or any of the other reasons they usually summon up to order people around.